So...recently the feeling of getting pulled under is getting stronger again and I try to push it away but have been slipping (for lack of a better word). Makes me angry, makes me guilty. All not examplary recipes for being a fun person to hang around with. I have told no one about myself so people who have the misfortune to witness me attitude (people closest to me) think I am in the midst of an extended PMS.

This is the result of my efforts to get above the fog. Frankly, life is looking up this year. It getting even better. I have a direction that I'm excited for the short to mid term future. Our new house will be ready in slightly more than a year. On the financial front, life is looking rosy as well. So why won't this sickness just go away. I have never actually gotten myself diagnosed medically and I realise that may be one of the reason to my non-total-recover. But I don't think this is something you ever recover from fully. Rather, it's something to be managed and I like to think I'm managing fine by myself. Writing has always made me feel lighter and this seem like to a good endevour to get the load off my chest.

Why have I not gone to get myself diagnosed? Well, growing up, it was not the norm in my community to get tested for such stuff. You suck it up when the going gets tough, you know? To top it off, my going wasn't exactly tough and it hit around the time I was 14. My parents just brushed it off of teenage agnst. It took my many years to realise otherwise. By that time I have learnt to manage my own condition while keeping it a secret from everyone and I guess a habit formed. I managed. And I'm sure that's how many with mile depression live. It's constantly there but not alarming enough for that individual and people around to seek professional help. For some reason I have been rather reclusive in regards to this part of my life. This is the first time I have written it down in plain language. Previous attempts have always be shrouded in inuedos. I have so far refused to open up the most intimate part of my mind to a stranger. A part of my mind that I have not opened up to even my closest friend or family. Then as I grew older, I realise I'm pretty sure I have mild depression and I really didn't want that on record for any future insurance I buy. I mean who want "loopy" (come on that still the impression people here get) on permanent record.

Be that as it may, it doesn't mean I want it on permanent record.

I have a friend who had headaches since she was in playschool. She went through all kinds of test till the ripe age of 18. Now for every insurance application form she has to declare this even though the diagnosis was an all clear. Sometimes she need to appeal to get the normal rate instead of the high risk rate. Look I'm not saying not to get yourself medical help. If you have headaches please go get yourself checked even if it may affect your insurance. Becuase if you miss something important for the sack of future insurance, that really shit. I'm glad my friend got check and has an all clear. She has horrid headaches till this day but at least we know it's not due to anything life-threatening. Just that in my case, if it was more than mild depression I many have gone over the edge since my parents weren't knowledgable about the area of mental area to get my help. Through reading I (very luckily) managed to get my head out of my own shit and if my depression had been more serious the lack of medical help might have really screwed me up. In my case, I got stronger in the way that I discovered how to see past the fog that clouds my mind sometime. I can see that it is the condition causing it and beyond that fog there really are flowers and rainbows in my life. I learnt to aknowledge it rather than push it aside because left in the subconsciuous, the fog only thickens. At this point in my life, I am pretty sure I have a mild chronic depression. It's keeps coming back but it's managable by myself so far and I'm so used to my condition and alert for it that I am confident if it gets to a point where there is a point for medical concern I will seek the help I need.

There is an irony in this that is so laughable. I have put myslef on the route to a PHD in psychology. The person who doesn't want to open up to a shrink is on the path to become a shrink. We intend to one day migrate to California and the state of California require a PHD if you want to register as a psychologist and I've always wanted a doctorate. So it all seems in order.

Yes, this is what I want to do with my life

I have selected some things I've written in the past to start off my blog. Already I feel marginally better. As an added benefit, I hope anyone who reads all my rambling will get an insight to the mind of the slighty disturbed (or maybe after reading you might rule me HIGHLY disturbed). Since I will be opening up the most intimate part of my mind here, I highly doubt I will be posting any photos of myself or be too forthright about details of my personal life. Beside the nagging fog of melancholy I know I am happy with my life. So this will not be a depressing (pun intended) blog either. I have no wish to end my life nor do I feel alone, unloved or hopeless and helpless. I realise I am doing pretty well for my age, I look good and have a strong group of loved one.

I keep mentioning  the word fog because that's literally how I feel when I'm having an episode. Like life around me is passing by while I look on through a veil. Sometimes, it gets bad enough that I feel like I'm looking upon myslef even as a thrid person. I feel lethergic for days on end and suffer insomia not sfalling asleep till 5am in the morning and either going through the day with bloodshot eyes or sleeping the whole day and waking up feeling lousy that I have let another day go wasted. I truly believe in the notion of seizing the moment and so the guilt of a day wasted is two-folds. There are days when even getting up to eat leave my feeling gutted. There's this fog that wants me to just lay down and go to waste and the real me that struggles to break free and live my life. This internal fight leaves my with headaches so bad I feel nauseas. It's that kinda feelign you get when you're in a dream you can't wake up from. Your irritated but you just cant get out of the fog. All your motivations turn into pent up fustrations in your chest as you are mentally buried and pulled under.

Do you have a mental condition too? Is that how you feel as well?

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